SIX BUDGET-CONSCIOUS REPLACEMENTS FOR THE INTERISLANDER FERRIES!

Here at The Satiriser we are ambitious for New Zealand. Laser-focused and globally-frontiered. And certainly not negative, wet or whiny.

So when the Aratere runs aground, we don’t see a blindingly obvious metaphor for cack-handed, penny-pinching short-sightedness. When the government demands safe and reliable transport across Cook Strait but is just too tight-arsed to pay for it, we see no contradiction.

We’re in the business of finding solutions, not problems.

That’s why we’ve done our research to put together this list of options for replacing our Interislander ferries:

NOAH’S ARK

Huge capacity and a proven performer in extreme weather conditions. Decks easily hosed down after queasy crossings. Certificate of seaworthiness has expired and some work needed to return to original condition. Pick up only from Mount Ararat.

ROMAN TRIREME

Say goodbye to sudden engine outages – this innovative design is propelled by shackled youth offenders in need of a short sharp shock, who'll keep rowing if they know what’s good for them. Relax as you cruise through the Sounds to the soothing drumbeat of the whip-cracking galley-master. O for Oarsome!

S.S. BADGER  

Currently plying Lake Michigan between Ludington and Manitowoc, the 71-year-old S.S. Badger is the last coal-burning passenger and car ferry in the world. What better flagship for our fossil-fuel-forward future? Shovel some more carbon on the fire and prepare to pipe Shane Jones aboard!

BUMPER BOATS

The lime scooter of the seas! No need for passengers to be constricted by bureaucratic ‘timetables’. With a flotilla of these peppy self-drivers based in each of Picton and Wellington, travellers can say goodbye to queues and endless Health and Safety red tape, and set sail whenever they want.  Private travel insurance recommended.

ROSE AND JACK’S FLOATING DOOR

A caring government knows it ought to provide transport options for everyone, even third-class bottom-feeders whose life choices mean they can’t afford to fly between the North and South Islands. This sturdy eco-friendly wooden craft, carried along by prevailing winds and Nature’s own tidal currents, is for the cost-savvy traveller for whom the journey is more important than the destination. Passenger capacity one, maybe two.

COOK STRAIT BRIDGE

Grown-up countries have big long bridges, so why can’t we? And it ticks all the boxes on our Big Transport Plan, because it’s essentially a road on sticks. Go on Simeon, you know you want to. Toll charges apply.