BREAKING: Trump Declares Victory In 2028 Election

Pre-empting the actual counting of votes by approximately four years, Former President Donald Trump has declared a landslide victory in the 2028 presidential election while simultaneously labelling it ‘totally rigged’.

The convicted felon and tangerine-tinted man-toddler made the victory declaration in an all-caps post on Trump Social, minutes after claiming victory and voter fraud in the also yet-to-be-counted 2024 presidential election.

‘BIGGEST ELECTORAL VICTORY EVER IN HISTORY OF WORLD FOR TRUMP-MUSK 2028!’ messaged the serial groper and textbook narcissist.

‘ELECTION TOTALLY RIGGED BY CORRUPT CHEATING DEEP-STATE DEMS!!!’ he added.

It remains unclear how the reality-removed nepo-baby and huckster can claim both a legitimate win and a fundamentally illegitimate voting process at the same time in one election, let alone two.

But sources close – but not too close – to the emotionally-stunted sociopath with daddy issues warned observers not to overthink it, describing Trump as being surrounded by a black-hole-like logic vortex, where facts, reasoning and any semblance of a coherent world-view are sucked into what they euphemistically term his ‘singularity’ and disappear for ever.

The mention of ‘Trump-Musk 2028’ in the post also reportedly put a shiver up where the spine would be in a normal human of current vice-presidential ticket-mate, bootlicker and cat-lady fetishist JD Vance. Vance, who recently displaced Don Trump Junior as Favourite Boy, was last seen confiding that he could never match Musk’s big rockets and bigger bank balance to a stony-faced and unempathetic Eric Trump.

Russian president Vladimir Putin has congratulated the tiny-fingered proto-fascist, commenting that the size of both landslides was on a par with the 2030 Russian election results.

Former President Trump has now invited supporters to an impromptu ‘celebration march’ to party outside the White House, saying ‘It’s gonna be beautiful - bring deck chairs, American flags, and whatever you usually carry, you know what I mean…’