Brown: Ruahine Tolls Not Compulsory, Travellers Free To Use Own Helicopter

Transport Minister Simeon Brown has assured Manawatū and Tararua residents that paying a toll to travel on the new highway over the Ruahine Range will not be compulsory, and they will be free to choose other options such as their own private helicopter.

‘When it comes to transport this government is all about choice,’ Minister Brown shouted to reporters through a megaphone from his very favourite place – behind the wheel of a large automobile doing 110 on the Waikato Expressway.

‘If you desire to glide between Palmerston North and Woodville along the tantalisingly velvet-smooth surface and voluptuous sweeping curves of the spanking new Manawatū Gorge highway, then a mere forty-six dollars will give you a week’s worth of back-and-forth, you lucky lucky devil. But other routes are available.’

As reporters following Simeon Brown in various vehicles strained to hear him, the minister then recited a list of other options for traversing the lower North Island that did not involve a toll.

‘If you like it cheap, kinky, slow and dirty, you can still use the old Saddle Road that’s been the temporary diversion since 2017. Sure it has a 60k speed limit and more twists than my favourite Dan Brown book (no relation!).’

‘But hey, while you take all that extra time, you’ll have longer to reflect on the poor life choices you’ve made that mean you can’t afford another forty-six dollars a week.’