David Seymour Knows All The Facts

Mr Seymour arrives for his interview with The Satiriser

David Seymour, welcome.

Sorry I’m late, a woke security guard told me I couldn’t drive my Land Rover in here.

The Prime Minister says you were ill-advised to send a letter in support of Philip Polkinghorne to the police.

Is that a fact?

It is a fact.

Well as I said, the Prime Minister shouldn’t be commenting when he doesn’t know all the facts.

But you did send a letter in support of Philip Polkinghorne to the police?

Yes, I did in fact. But I’d advise you not to comment about that when you don’t know all the facts.

What are all the facts?

Simply that when I wrote that letter in support of Philip Polkinghorne to the police I obviously didn’t know all the sordid details about him that would subsequently emerge.

Allegedly.

Bless you.

So you didn’t know all the facts about Philip Polkinghorne, then.

Exactly.

Is that reasonable?

Well it’s a lot more reasonable than writing a letter in support of Philip Polkinghorne if I did know all the facts about him. The man’s a creep!

Allegedly.

Bless you.

But here you are commenting when you don’t know all the facts.

I do know all the facts.

But you didn’t then. You just said.

Look, what’s your point?

Stuart Nash was sacked for trying to influence the police.

That was different.

How was it different?

He was sacked, and I wasn’t. It doesn’t get much more different that. Keep up! Anyway, must dash. Those school lunches won’t congeal themselves.

Is the Prime Minister wrapped around your little finger?

Before you going around saying things like that you really ought to look at all the facts.

And what do all the facts say?

I couldn’t possibly comment.