Exclusive: Woke Banks Respond To Peters In Thoughtful, Caring Way

Minutes Of Special Emergency Meeting Of Aotearoa Woke Banks And Lefty Lenders Syndicate (AWBALLS)

Present:

Mr Petal from the ANZ

Ms Snowflake from the BNZ

Mr Kumbaya from Westpac

Ms Rainbow from the ASB

Mr Cuck from Kiwibank

The meeting commenced at 2pm (give or take because everyone’s watch was different so let’s not be judgey) with a group hug and yoga-inspired Salute To The Sun.

There followed a recitation of the Aotearoa Woke Banks And Lefty Lenders Syndicate mission statement:

AWBALLS: We’re In Banking For The Love, Never For The Money

Mr Petal from the ANZ raised the issue of the Deputy Prime Minister Winston Peters supporting legislation that would crack down on woke banks.

There was a brief interval in which smelling salts were fetched to revive Mr Cuck from Kiwibank, who had fainted.

After an impromptu group singing of ‘We Shall Overcome’, Mr Petal from the ANZ expressed his concern that the new legislation would undermine the core business of AWBALLS, namely pandering to tree-hugging idealogues.

Mr Petal stated for the record:

‘After all, that is why we are increasingly cautious about lending to fossil fuel corporations and service stations. It is certainly not because of what we perceive as an increase in financial risk.’