Facebook To Introduce New Arse-Kissing Emoji

Boyishly-lipped arse-kiss model Mark Zuckerberg

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has announced that he will unveil a new arse-kissing emoji later this week.

Zuckerberg says that the new emoji is being introduced so users can show appreciation for the expected surge in posts from President Trump, now that Facebook is no longer working with third-party fact checking-organisations.

‘Facebook has thrown off the shackles of the narrow-minded and censorious, who are obsessed with imposing ‘facts’ and ‘accuracy’ on the rest of us’, Zuckerberg told an invited crowd of influencers and tech-bros (though not actual journalists, obviously).

‘I’ll now personally be encouraging President Trump to post whatever he wants on Facebook, whenever he wants. Whatever time of the day and night, and whether from behind the Resolution Desk in the White House or from within a gilded Mar-A-Lago bathroom stall, the world needs to hear from the brilliant mind of our greatest leader.’

‘And in return, President Trump deserves to know the high regard in which people, and especially me, hold his thoughts. The blue-and-white thumbs-up ‘like’ and the red-heart ‘love’ emojis are simply not enough.’

‘The words of our new President need no less a symbol of our admiration than a pair of puckered lips softly attaching themselves to a pert bottom, perfectly-formed with just a wisp of golden hair.’