Fast-Track Bill Renamed After Making Trains Seem Cool

The government has moved to rebrand its proposed ‘fast track’ approvals process after it realised that the name inadvertently made trains seem cool.

The rebranding exercise was announced by Minister Chris Bishop at a hastily-convened press conference in Molesworth Street in front of a big shiny truck.

‘Yeah nah, look it’s come to our attention that the expression ‘fast-track’ conjures up images of an efficient high-speed rail corridor that bypasses congested roads and delivers thousands of passengers swiftly, safely and on time’, Mr Bishop said.

‘Obviously that’s not what we wanted to convey and we apologise for that. As I think we all know, rail-based public transport is a flagrant waste of hard-working kiwi taxpayers’ money. Anyone over thirty who regularly finds themself using a train to get around needs to take a good hard look at their life choices. They’re a loser, and possibly a socialist. And they probably smell.’