Humanity-Based Theme Ride Closed After Latest Malfunctions
The top-rating ‘Humanity’ theme ride has been temporarily shut down after a series of recent malfunctions left riders feeling queasy.
The number-one attraction on this arm of the Milky Way galaxy and arguably the known universe opened to teething problems and mixed responses some hundreds of thousands of years ago, with a typical review of the time describing it as ‘nasty, brutish and short’.
But upgrades to the ‘Humanity’ ride including the introduction of democracy, human rights, aqueducts, penicillin, Netflix, UberEats, hope and tolerance met with widespread acclaim, propelling ‘Humanity’ to TripAdvisor’s #1 Intelligent Life Experience for its soaring highs and dramatic lows.
One enthusiast described the ‘Humanity’ attraction as ‘An exhilarating ride across the arc of the moral universe as it bends inexorably towards justice, with the promise of light vanquishing darkness, abundance triumphing over want, and kindness winning over bigotry.’
Recent developments though, starting in 2008 with the addition of the ‘Autocratic Shite-Slinging Orange-Baboon Man-Baby’ section of the ride, have met with widespread pushback.
A veteran rider explained ‘From that day on, the attraction has deteriorated into a series of nausea-inducing twists and lurches that give the sense of literally running off the rails and catapulting everyone onboard into a cataclysmic post-apocalyptic hellscape.’
‘Even the theme music they play on the ride has changed. It used to be majestic and hopeful like something John Williams would come up with. Now it sounds like the ominous choral chorus in ‘The Omen’ whenever they cut to a close-up of Damien.’
The last straw leading to the shuttering of the attraction was the removal this week of the Nice Man In A White Frock Says Uplifting Things section of the experience, described variously as ‘inspiring and uplifting’ and ‘definitely could be a lot worse, considering’.
While the operators of the ride have promised a new Man in A White Frock, they could not guarantee the replacement version will continue the last one’s track record of advocating for compassion and humility.
Season pass holders seeking a refund are asked to note that the helpline is currently experiencing higher than usual volumes.
The ride is expected to commence operating again in January 2029, fingers crossed.