Induction Manual For New MPs: Meeting Normal People

Warning: May contain nuts, swearing

Congratulations! You are a Member of Parliament! Part of your role may involve meeting ‘employees’ in ‘workplaces’. To determine your ability to engage in such real-world situations, please take the following online quiz, mostly based on completely hypothetical scenarios.

1 On approaching an employee, look them firmly in which of the following?

a)     The eyes

b)    Anywhere else

2 While performing the above, firmly grasp the employee by which of the following?

a)     Hand

b)    Ponytail

c)     [redacted even though a former US president regularly did it, apparently]

3 Which phrases should you avoid when exchanging sports banter with an employee?

a)     ‘The Auckland Phoenix’

b)    ‘The girls in the White Ferns’

c)     ‘All credit to Australia’

4 On no account should you call the employee which of the following?

a)     Loser

b)    Bruiser

c)    Boozer

d)    Accuser

e)    All of the above

5 Which of the following should you insist an employee take home with them?

a)    a bottle of wine and fuck off

b)    a paper cup of L&P and a handful of mixed nuts and take care

c)     a stapler and as much stationery as you can pocket

d)    a decent wage with increases automatically linked to inflation

6 Which hand signal should you employ while engaging with an employee?

a)     ‘Sit-on-it-and-swivel’ middle finger

b)    Two-fingered ‘Fuck you and the horse you rode in on’ salute

c)     L-to-the-forehead ‘Loser’

d)    ‘I am out of my depth and require immediate assistance’ arm in air

7) To avoid an escalating situation, which of the following strategies should you use?

a)     Apologise for nothing

b)    Apologise for some things but deny swearing or drinking

c)     Apologise for some things, deny drinking, then correct your answer to say you did in fact have a drink but it was later on

d)    Say ‘Look, I’m a real lightweight and I was pissed as a newt. Off my face. I had to be carried back to the car and later threw up in a planter-box designed to slow traffic. I am philosophically opposed to planter-boxes designed to slow traffic but in this case I was grateful for its thoughtful location*. Also, sorry for basically everything. Mea culpa, what a tosser’

*even though none of the preceding part of this paragraph is technically or even remotely true

When you have submitted you answers, please wait for clearance to engage with members of the public. If approached by a ‘worker’ say only that you are ‘laser-focussed’, and leave at the first opportunity.