King Charles To Americans: Don’t Even Think About It

A leaked draft of King Charles’ Independence Day message to Americans reveals he wanted to tell them that returning the US to British governance was 248 years too late, and that if they were regretting all that stuff now they should have thought about the consequences of their actions.

The publicly-released version of the message - which according to a palace aide the King ‘banged out on his typewriter while sitting in the greenhouse’ - reads:

‘On this Fourth of July, the occasion of the celebration of your great nation’s birth, the Queen and I extend our warmest wishes and our desire to continue to strengthen the special relationship between our peoples.’

However the aide, speaking on condition of anonymity lest his guts be had for garters, has revealed the intense behind-the-scenes debate at Clarence House that eventually led to several deletions.

‘In the first version the phrase ‘great nation’ was originally ‘once-great nation’. And after ‘the special relationship between our peoples’ His Majesty had put the words ‘excluding your most foul and loathsome former leader, whom we spurn as we would spurn a poisonous toadstool’.

‘It took us half an hour to persuade him that had to go. We brought in Queen Camilla but that backfired because all she wanted to change was add ‘creepy’ in front of ‘foul and loathsome.’’

‘And then when we finally convinced him to cross those bits out he couldn’t find a damn pen that worked. It was a nightmare.’