LESSER-KNOWN SPORTS – WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

The Paris Olympics have already exposed worldwide audiences to hitherto niche sports such as Unseemly Canadian Drone-Wrangling and Extreme-Parade-Raining. In this explainer we look at other lesser-known upcoming events:          

WAKA-JUMPING

Rarely-practised and for team players only, waka-jumping was scheduled to publicly debut as a demonstration sport over the weekend, with Team Green captain Chlöe Swarbrick weighing-in at several news stand-ups. But serious internal strains and fractures have seen the event postponed.

In waka-jumping a team works together to bounce a ‘Darleen’ out of parliamentary bounds, all the while dodging accusations of hypocrisy thrown by its opponents.

With Team Green going into a team huddle in September, expect a final result not earlier than 2025.

BARREL-BOTTOM SCRAPING

As usual all eyes will be on the Republic of Republicans who are in a class of their own in this cross between professional wrestling and marathon bullshitting.

Self-proclaimed GOAT of barrel-bottom scraping Donny Trump, who still maintains he was robbed at the last championship, will tag-team this time with protégé and mini-me JD Vance coming fresh off the couch.

Both man-boys equalled their own personal bests in the last week with ‘in four years you don’t have to vote anymore’ (Trump) and ‘childless cat-women’ (Vance).

And by the time the sharp end of the competition comes around commentators expect them to be well through the bottom of the barrel and deep enough into the Earth’s crust to need a mining permit, which they won’t have, because freedom.