Luxon: All Maths Students To Be Above-Average

Good afternoon class.

Good afternoon Mr Luxon.

It’s great to be visiting. Are you all ready to be part of a structured maths action plan that gets New Zealand back on track? Anyone? Anyone?

I’ll take that as a ‘yes’. Now before we talk KPIs for you kiddies, let’s establish a baseline for the kind of maths learnings you’ll be delivering. Who can tell me the value of Pi?

Is it approximately 3.14159 Mr Luxon?

I’m sorry that sort of thinking is just negative, wet, whiny and inward-looking. That number hasn’t increased in the last thirty years. If we’re going to be globally competitive, we need to grow that Pi. That’s why my government is committed to seeing Pi raised to 4.14159 by 2030.

Alright, pay attention and let’s try another question. If Health NZ has fourteen levels of management but doesn’t have fourteen levels of management, how many levels of management does it have? Anyone? No-one?

Well frankly this is appalling. That was very straightforward. Yes, you with the hand up?

My mum says you know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Well, you can tell your mother that numeracy is in fact very important. I’ll show you. Go on, ask me a question.

When can I buy smokes?

When you’re 18. I meant a maths question.

How many smokes can I buy when I’m 18?

As many as you want, it’s a free country. You might also want to try heated tobacco products. We’re all about choice. Down the back, yes?

What percentage of the tax cut on heated tobacco products will be passed on to the consumer and what percentage will go towards tobacco company profits?

That’s not a maths question.

Is so! It’s all about percentages.

Listen, nobody likes a clever-clogs smart-arse.

Is that why you’re so popular sir?

I’ve got two words for you, kid: boot camp. Any other maths questions? Maths, remember.

That rental property you’re selling that you paid $373,000 for and now has a market value of $1.07million - if you applied a capital gains tax at say 17.5 per cent, how much would that be?   

I’m sorry I don’t deal in hypotheticals, I live in the real world. Listen, the takeaway here is that there’s going to be a new way of learning maths, one way and one way only for everyone, like it or not. With no exceptions.

What about charter schools?

With one exception. Charter schools can teach maths whichever way they want.

But this is a charter school!

Oh, why didn’t you say so! What are you learning about today?

We’re learning about how the dinosaurs went extinct because Noah didn’t have room for them on the Ark.

Fascinating! Now that’s what I call education!