New Rutherford Diaries Prove Trump Right

Photo: Lord Rutherford takes a break from atom-splitting to set the record straight

Following President Trump’s comments during his inauguration that ‘America split the atom’ a White House spokesman today released documents that ‘completely and indisputably back up what the president said’.

The documents are apparently hitherto-undiscovered diaries of acclaimed physicist Lord Ernest Rutherford. Here are some excerpts:

1887 Delighted to win a scholarship to study at Nelson College. To mark the occasion my old school in Havelock has presented me with a five-volume set of books titled The Peoples of the World.

The chapter on the United States is intriguing. Americans seem to be beautiful people, the best. Apparently they eat tasty treats called ‘banana splits’. I resolve to visit there one day.

1898 Following some academic success I have been accepted to be the chair of MacDonald professor of physics at McGill University in Montréal, Canada. I hope to play a part in identifying the noble gas emitted by the radioactive element thorium.

PS Canada is cold and the people are losers. If only I could work in a laboratory in warmer climes. I have heard tell that Florida is positively balmy. I resolve to visit there one day.

1908 Now based in Manchester. Weather rainy. Beer warm. Mushy peas for food. Brits have bad teeth. On the positive side I have been awarded the Nobel prize for chemistry for my investigations into the disintegration of the elements, and the chemistry of radioactive substances. Which is nice.

Meanwhile the newspapers report that in the USA Mr Ford has introduced the Model T automobile and a motion picture called ‘Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde’ is being shown in American cinemas. Cannot help but feel fear of missing out.

1912 Niels Bohr agrees to work with me. We attempt to celebrate with warm beer. Niels tells me of a great American beer called Budweiser. I am embarrassed to say I have never heard of it. The USA has declared Alaska a territory, and invaded Cuba. Bold! Powerful! America is great, and even if it stops being great one day, I am sure that someone will make it great again.

1917 The atom has been split. This may well be the pinnacle of my career. But when I think of splitting atoms, I am invariably reminded of the American banana splits I am missing out on. Perhaps I should immigrate there, to that most wonderful and glorious of nations. Legally immigrate, of course. I have no truck with illegal immigrants, as I am given to understand that they eat cats and dogs.

1931 I have been made a baron in recognition of my work, and there is talk that one day they will even be an element named after me, Rutherfordium perhaps.

All that is by the by, however, as my greatest wish and ambition has been realised. My citizenship application has been approved, and I am now a real American.

At my request, it has even been backdated to 1917 so that one day a great American president, maybe the greatest American president since Abraham Lincoln, will be able to say that America split the atom.

And if he does, it will be the most bigly achievement in all my life’s work, and nothing will ever trump it.