Nicola Willis Answers Your Question about Kiwibank

What’s that? You have a question about Kiwibank? Absolutely I can answer it! In fact, I’ll give you the long answer, and then I’ll give you the short answer.

First of all, let’s take a look at our big four banks. Did you know they’re all owned by Australians? Boo! And they make huge profits. Double boo! Golly those profits are big.

And those Australian banks, they’re supposed to be in competition. But it doesn’t look much like competition to me. It looks like they’re having a big old cuddly pillow fight!

Hey, you know what would fix that? How about we had a fifth big bank! But this bank would be different. It would be a big New Zealand bank. And it would show those big Australian banks a thing or two about real competition. It would wade right into that big pillow fight and stick up for hard-working Kiwis! Take that, Aussies!

(After all, let’s not forget who won the Olympics on a per-capita basis. Am I right?)

Thing is though, we don’t have a big New Zealand bank. We have a small New Zealand bank. Kiwibank. It’s a good little bank, but it’s too small to stand up to those big Australian banks. Gosh, that is too bad.

But do you know what would be good? If Kiwibank were a lot bigger. But to be a lot bigger, it would need a lot of money put into it.

And the trouble is, right now all the money the government has is going into hospitals and schools. And tax breaks for landlords, obviously. And cancelling the new Cook Strait ferries.

And a couple of hundred million to cover us cutting the tax on heated tobacco products. And also there’s David Seymour’s brand new Ministry for Regulation with an average salary of $150,000.

Also maybe a four-kilometre road tunnel under Wellington, and stuff like that.  But mainly hospitals and schools, right?

So what I’m thinking is, maybe Kiwibank could get some help from private investors. Wouldn’t that be nice of them, to help Kiwibank out like that? Give it a hand up? And obviously the more it was privately owned, the bigger it could be. Look out, Australians!

Obviously there would have to be an attractive return for those private investors, so all that would have to be factored in when the, you know, numbers were crunched. Interest rates and fees and things. So, in a way, it would be kind of just like those other four banks.

But Kiwibank would still be really different, because it would still be a Kiwi bank! Go New Zealand!

That was the long answer. And now for the short answer:

Why gosh yes, what I’m suggesting does look an awful lot like the first step to privatising Kiwibank. But you know what, I’m sure that’s just a coincidence!