Post-Olympics News In Briefs

The Prime Minister has blamed the previous government for New Zealand being left off the Olympic map.

Kiwi feathers were ruffled at the Stade de France closing ceremony following the appearance of a stylised map which included lesser medals per-capita nations such as Australia but omitted New Zealand.

Christopher Luxon said the omission was ‘the end result of six years of whiny inward thinking and living in a hermit kingdom’ and that he was ‘laser-focused on ensuring the world knows New Zealand is open for the business of sport’.

On a related note, Mr Luxon acknowledged that his current low personal popularity rating was ‘not his personal best’ but added that he has been ‘training in a hyperbolic chamber’ and ‘hoped to be peaking at the next election’.

ACT MP and former gun lobbyist Nicole McKee has vowed to advocate for a semi-automatic rifle event in the shooting competition at the 2028 Games.

Ms McKee made the announcement after being less than impressed by the ‘puny’ ten-metre air pistol competition.

‘Call those guns?’ said Ms McKee, bringing up an image of an AR-15 on her laptop and adding ‘Now that’s a gun’.

Mining minister Shane Jones has warned that banning fossil fuels would lead to the Olympic flame never being lit in New Zealand.

Mr Jones said that like any patriotic Kiwi, he looked forward to a time when New Zealand would host the Olympics, but added that would never happen if the country was 100% reliant on renewable energy.

‘What do you think that Olympic flame runs on – hope and wind? We’ll need new gasfields coming onstream if we’re going to make Auckland 2036 a reality. Otherwise you’re just crushing the dreams of thousands of tamariki.’

‘Matua Shane won’t let that happen.’

Donald Trump has promised that when elected he will include gladiatorial combat as a demonstration sport at the 2028 Los Angeles Olympics.