'RFK Junior Will Be Great, Right?'

ASOH, the American Society of Optimists and Hopers, says it still has faith that Robert F Kennedy Junior will turn out to be just the same beacon of inspiration that his father and uncle once were for an entire generation.

‘Never say never, right?’ said ASOH spokesperson Rose Tinted-Specs. ‘Fingers crossed!’

The statement comes hard on the heels of news that RFK Junior, the contrarian scion and weirdo failson of the storied Kennedy dynasty, has been promoted several layers above his own apparent natural level of incompetence to the position of US Secretary of Health.

‘Everyone says the American health system needs a shake-up’, Ms Tinted-Specs said. ‘Well, shakety-shake! And you gotta say, this guy’s got great genes. Am I right? Am I right?’

RFK Junior’s uncle, John F Kennedy, the 35th president of the United States, established the Peace Corp, signed the Equal Pay Act, and introduced the Civil Rights Bill.

In introducing the manned lunar mission programme he said ‘we choose to go to the Moon and do the other things not because they are easy, but because they are hard.’

RFK Junior’s father, Robert F ‘Bobby’ Kennedy, was a former US Attorney-General who fought organised crime and sent US Marshals to enforce the admission of the first African American student at the University of Mississippi.

Immediately after the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr he quoted the Greek poet Aeschylus, saying ‘Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.’

Today’s RKF Junior is an anti-fluoridation anti-vaxxer who once beheaded a dead whale and strapped it to the roof of the family mini-van, on another occasion pulled a ‘prank’ by staging a collision between a dead bear cub and a bicycle in Central park, and has claimed that a worm got into his brain, ate part of it and died.

He has alleged that COVID-19 was ‘targeted to attack Caucasians and Black People’ and on the Joe Rogan Experience podcast asserted that wi-fi and mobile phones can cause ‘leaky brain’.

‘Okay, look, work with me, help a gal out’ said American Society of Optimists and Hopers’ Ms Tinted-Specs.

‘Things are a little tense at ASOH right now. There’s actually not a lot to be hopeful for, but throw me a fricking bone here. Who’s to say that one inspiring figure can’t produce another who turns out to have the same, if not more, charisma, integrity and ability? More likely than not, right?’

Ms Tinted-Specs was then reminded of Queen Elizabeth and Prince Andrew, and went quiet for several seconds before adding:

‘Goddamit. And you know what? My bosses also promised me that no-one would think to rhyme ‘ASOH’ with ‘asshole’. How’s that for hoping?’