Tariff Policies Now As Random As Monkeys Pooping On World Map, Roulette Wheel

Researchers have revealed that the rapidly-ricocheting tariffs of the Trump administration over the last week are now indistinguishable from results obtained by getting meth-addled monkeys to poop on a map of the world and a roulette wheel.

Since the so-called liberation day of April 2^nd, punitive American tariffs have moved around faster than the President’s quiff in a helicopter downwash.

Simultaneously, scientists at Harvard University, Wisconsin (motto: ‘Not The Other One’) have been running a simulation in which tariff rates are set not by whatever is happening in the unplumbed depths of whatever is going on in President Trump’s brain but by the defecatory habits of two capuchin monkeys nicknamed ‘Eric’ and ‘Don Junior’.

‘The experiment is quite straight-forward. Sorry for the appearance, we’ve been doing this non-stop since last Wednesday,’ explained unkempt, unshaven, caffeine-frazzled researcher Professor Seldom Jobling.

‘Basically we take a couple of monkeys and give them a hearty meal of baked beans laced with methamphetamine – in carefully monitored quantities, you understand. Too many baked beans is good for no-one.’

‘Then we let Eric and Don Junior loose in a hoseable room with a map of the world and a spinning roulette wheel on the floor, and let nature take its course.’

‘Wherever the results ‘land’, if you get my drift, we write it up on a chart. Say ‘Vietnam, 17’ or ‘Ireland, 24’.