The Fast-Track Approvals Bill Explained By A Cow

As a service to our readers The Satiriser provides this handy cut-out-and-keep guide to the coalition government’s Fast-Track Approvals Bill

1 A project enters the fast-track approvals process. All sorts of projects are eligible – from coal mining to oil extraction. And big, long roads. And projects that have been rejected by the Environment Court.  Any person can apply to have a project approved, including the Crown [*NB see below for Crown ministers who are also in charge of approving the project. Now that’s efficient!]

2 The project bypasses legislation such as the Resource Management Act, Fisheries Act and Public Works Act because laws, what are they good for, absolutely nothing, say it again y’all.  

3 The project is considered by a panel. The panel recommends whether to approve or decline the project and any conditions. The panel is expert, independent and has absolutely no power whatsoever to see its recommendations carried through. But as leading constitutional expert Meat Loaf declared, Two Out Three Ain’t Bad.

4 Lobbyists for projects get to have their two-cents worth of influence, or whatever the size of their donation.

5 The Crown Ministers for Regional Development, Infrastructure and Transport decide whether they like the vibe of the project. If they agree with the independent experts’ recommendation they uphold it because yay for experts, am I right? If they disagree with the independent experts’ recommendation they ignore it because sheesh, ‘experts’, how about they start living in the real world, am I right?                        

6  The decision emerges from the darkness without any requirement for reasons being given.

7 Members of the public are excluded from the process, but do see what is extruded in the end.

8 The environment is crapped on from a great height.