The Winston Peters Transformation Machine

Welcome to Auckland Airport! Now you’ve just been pinged there, so you’re going to have to go through the body scanner. This way. Sorry about the queue. We’ve only got the one working.

What about that one over there?

That’s for Winston Peters.

Why does he get his own body scanner?

That’s not a body scanner. That’s the Winston Peters transformation machine.

The who what where?

The Winston Peters transformation machine. See, when Winston Peters leaves New Zealand as Minister of Foreign Affairs to represent the nation, he goes through that machine and is transformed.

Transformed into what?

Something approaching a reasonable grown-up. He says somewhat sensible things. He thinks before he speaks. He has a more than passing acquaintance with nuance. I mean, you don’t have to agree with everything he’s saying, heaven forbid, but...

You mean he becomes statesmanlike?

Let’s not go overboard. It’s a pretty low bar out there, with crude and grasping wannabe-despots with under-developed frontal cortexes opening their mouths and letting the wind blow their tongues around. And that’s just the leader of the free world. So let’s say Mr Peters becomes statesmanlike-adjacent.

And when he returns?

He steps through that machine and is transformed again.

I see where this is going. Transformed by what, exactly?

No-one’s exactly sure. We think it’s a form of drunk-uncle energy. And from that instant on he is a different man. He says things like ‘Now look here’ and calls people ‘Bozo’. He insults journalists or anyone who questions him. He blows dog-whistles, throws red meat and cosies up to wacky outliers like anti-vax conspiracists.

Any idea why?

Well I’m just a humble airport security officer, but if you ask me I think it’s something to do with being politically marginalised and needing to desperately scrabble around for whatever votes he can find. And which he can only find in New Zealand.

Fascinating. Well, I see the scanner is free.

Have a good flight and we’ll see you on your return.

No you won’t. I’m off to try my luck in Australia. You know what they say. ‘Everyone must go’

And they are. Be sure to wave to the Chinese Navy!