Today’s Menu At Cabinet Du Luxon

Okay staff, everyone ready for another laser-focused shift at Cabinet Du Luxon?

Yes chef!

Good. Let’s go through the messaging we’ll be serving up today. Remember, we need to work as a team and do everything I say.

Yes chef!

First things first, there are a couple of items off the menu, so listen up. The report into abuse in state care is out, so any talk of boot camps is going to leave a bad taste in people’s mouths. That means boot camps is off the menu today, got that Mark?

Yes chef!

Just for today. Back on tomorrow. Chris Penk?

Yes chef?

Your new recipe for cutting minimum insulation standards. I like it. Cheap and quick. But we’re getting subzero temperatures and apparently some people are cold. Obviously, they’re the sort of people who make bad life choices and can’t afford Hawaii, but bottom line: voters are not going to swallow that stuff, Chris, until it gets a bit warmer. Off the menu for now, bring it back in spring, going forward.

Yes chef!

Moving on. We’ve got a new healthy option I’m very excited about. This is Lester Levy. He’s our new supplier of lean cuts. He’ll be trimming every ounce of fat from Health NZ and I need you to make sure everyone knows it’s the exciting new item on the menu.   

Is there any fat to trim in Health NZ?

Who said that? Yes there is actually, if you stick the knife in far enough. Ha! Look, Lester will be flogging the dead horse that is the bloated public health system and all you guys need to do is just sell, sell, sell that sizzle. Are we clear?

Yes chef!

Alright, has anyone else got any fresh new menu ideas? Or better yet, simple old menu ideas we can reheat? Yes Simeon?

How about announcing a four-lane highway from Auckland to Whangārei?

Sold! I love roading announcements. Easy to cook up, people can’t get enough of them. What else can we push?

How about tax cuts on heated tobacco products?

Casey, I’ve told you. We do have tax cuts on heated tobacco products, we just don’t make a song and dance about them. We keep them on the special menu, which people can read if they want to.

Why? And why don’t we have a cigar trolley? Like a dessert trolley, but with cigars.

Does anyone apart from Casey have any other menu ideas? Nicola?

It’s bold. It’s cutting-edge. And it might just get you three stars from your favourite think-tank.

I’m listening.

I’m re-imagining the whole idea of the public service.

How?

By contracting it all out to The Warehouse. Let me do it, chef. Let this be my signature dish. I’ve been working on it in my spare time. I have a seven-hundred-page paper.

Can you whip me up a one-paragraph executive summary?

Yes chef!

Excellent! The rest of you, get out there and start frontiering your deliverables.

Yes chef!