Trump Deploys National Guard To Sing ‘Happy Birthday’

The Commander-in-Chief of the United States armed forces has deployed the California National Guard to sing ‘Happy Birthday Mr President’ to him on his birthday this weekend.

In a complete coincidence totally befitting the legacy of one of the greatest presidents in history, maybe the greatest, but certainly as great as George Washington, Mr Trump’s birthday falls on the same day as that now scheduled for the celebration of the US Army’s 250^th birthday.

Those two equally-bigly events will be marked by a parade which according to the President, will feature ‘bigger missiles than Putin has ever seen’.

And, as part of the festivities, President Trump today signed an executive order authorising the California National Guard to jump out of a giant cake in negligees and sing ‘Happy Birthday Mr President’.

‘The same way Marilyn did it for that over-rated JFK’, the executive order adds.

President Trump will also salute passing veterans, ‘by which I mean veterans of the democratic and freedom-loving protest at the Capitol on January 6^th, 2021. Shameful the way those people were treated, shameful’.

Other features of the parade will include:

· F-18s of the US Navy’s Blue Angels display team to fire incendiary missiles at an inflatable blimp in the shape of Joe Biden, causing it to collapse in a ball of flame over the Potomac River.

· Three divisions of the Marine Corps to sing ‘YMCA’ while goosestepping along Constitution Avenue.

· ICE agents to chase pizza deliverers, pool-cleaners, Uber drivers and home help workers through the National Mall and into the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, where they will be teargassed by the Secret Service.

· Melania Trump to give her husband one birthday kiss on the cheek, as stipulated in their renegotiated prenuptial.