Vatican Smoke Signals Explained

Cardinals from around the world have gathered to elect the new Pope. In the time-honoured tradition the cardinals, locked inside the Sistine Chapel, communicate with the outside world via smoke emanating from a chimney.

In this special Satiriser explainer we sent out what the various smoke colours mean.

BLACK: A new Pope has yet to be chosen.

RED: Can someone send in a DVD of the Conclave movie as there are a few procedural matters we are unsure of.

BLUE: An unseemly argument has broken out over an obscure area of Catholic doctrine. Are there any United Nations peacekeepers in the vicinity?

GREEN: All sorted, one of the Caribbean cardinals has brought enough of his stash to go around and we are all very very mellow.

RED AND YELLOW: Can one of the sisters take the Popemobile to the McDonald’s drive-thru?

BROWN: Gastro incident. All good, but I’d keep well clear for a while if I were you.

YELLOW: Netflix and UberEats account activated. If it’s alright with everyone, we’ll just stay here until the end of Trump’s presidency.