What’s Next In US Politics? Our Guest Political Expert Says ‘How The Hell Would I Know?’

From The Satiriser’s Special Political Correspondent

What? You’re asking me what happens next in US politics? Why do you think I have any idea?

Listen, I have a PhD in American political science and years of experience in Washington. And I’m telling you, right now all that is about as useful as a one-legged vertigo-sufferer at a butt-kicking contest.

Hey, do you have any cigarettes? No? Well neither do I. Looks like I picked a bad week to give up smoking.

Let me remind you where we were a week ago. A week ago a guy who is a convicted felon and rapist and an insurrectionist was neck and neck in the polls with another guy who was – wait, let me check – none of those things. Neck and neck.

But the second guy, the nice one, was either just slightly and understandably doddery, or borderline incompetent to be running, wait, what was it again? Yes. The most powerful country on Earth.

Does that sound normal to you? Well, see, it was normal. Compared to now. Because now the first guy has dodged a bullet. And many people - who will actually be voting – are saying that God deflected that bullet.

They aren’t saying anything about why God didn’t deflect the other bullets. But they are wearing ear bandages in support. And – I really can’t emphasise this enough – they will actually be voting.

Also, the first guy has chosen as his right-hand man a man who, only a few years ago, was calling him Adolf Hitler. Because why the hell not?

And now – and I say ‘now’ but I mean ‘when I write this’ because who knows what left-field black swan event may have happened by the time you read this – now the nice-but doddery and/or incompetent one has withdrawn from the race. Which is nice.