Willis, Seymour Announce Plan To Break Easter Bunny’s Monopoly
WILLIS: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen of the press. I know you’re all keen to get away for the long Easter weekend and I hope you’re having a Good Thursday. Good Thursday, see what I did there? Please feel free to take a mini egg from the basket being handed around – just the one each please so everyone gets one.
SEYMOUR: That sounds like socialism!
WILLIS: Very droll David. Minister Seymour and I are here making this exciting joint announcement for the benefit of ordinary hard-working chocolate-loving Kiwi children. For years they have suffered under the yoke of having a single monopolistic Easter Egg deliverer.
SEYMOUR: Yoke! Egg!
WILLIS: I wasn’t being jocular.
SEYMOUR: Sor-ry…
WILLIS: At any rate, that anti-competitive situation is about to end. From now on the Easter Bunny will no longer be the sole operator in the mid-autumn surprise chocolate treat space. The government welcomes applications from any and all magical entities to level the playing field. Santa Claus, for example, should have capacity at this time of year.
SEYMOUR: And the tooth fairy!
WILLIS: Well the tooth fairy may have a conflict of interest there –
SEYMOUR: ‘Conflict-of-interest’ sounds a lot like legalistic red tape to me.
WILLIS: The details have yet to be worked out but what’s important is we’re making an announcement that we have a concept of a plan. Freedom of choice, children of New Zealand, that’s what this government is giving you.
SEYMOUR: And all for a small surcharge.
WILLIS: There’s no need to get down in the weeds on this David -
SEYMOUR: No no, this is a matter of principle. For too long the kiddies of New Zealand have been brought up to expect free chocolate treats at Easter. That’s totally unsustainable and teaches them to rely on handouts rather than pulling themselves up by their own bootstraps. This will cost a mere fraction of their pocket money. And if their parents can’t afford pocket money then no doubt they will be asked some hard questions about that.
WILLIS: I have promised no more taxes…
SEYMOUR: Goodness Nicola this isn’t a tax. No-one’s forcing the kiddies of New Zealand to binge on chocolate. It’s more of a subscription, like Netflix.
WILLIS: Ooh golly, when you put it like that it sounds cool.
SEYMOUR: That is my gift. And while I’m dropping pearls of wisdom I have a suggestion for another magical entity we can throw in the mix to deliver tasty treats: BICCI.
WILLIS: BICCI?
SEYMOUR: Bulk International Consolidated Chocolate Incorporated. They can source the absolutely cheapest choc worldwide and deliver it all across New Zealand, hot or cold.
WILLLIS: Cold preferably.
SEYMOUR: Fingers crossed. And they’ll do it far more efficiently than a local supplier. So you can wipe that smirk off your face, Easter Bunny – we’re coming for you.
WILLIS: Gosh this is exciting. Happy last-Easter-Bunny-monopolised break, everyone. And if I haven’t delivered on this by next Easter, I’ll tell you I have anyway, and dump the whole thing on Winston Peters.